Why does trauma keep showing up in my relationship and how to heal it?

Do you ever wonder why the same issues keep repeating in your relationship? In the past, I encountered many issues in my relationships and thought I had relationship problems. I kept attracting the same patterns, the same pain, and the same emotional cycles. I didn’t understand it. It wasn’t until I started healing that I realized something powerful. I didn’t have a relationship problem; I had unhealed trauma showing up in my relationships. Once I understood that, things began to change.

Trauma can very well be the problem, keeping you from moving forward with a healthy relationship. Trauma is something that is happening inside of you when you don’t feel safe, supported, or seen. When you have experienced trauma, your body learns to protect you- not connect. Instead of feeling safe in love—you may feel: anxious, overwhelmed, shut down, or reactive.

 There are various types of trauma. They are unresolved issues, buried deep within, that we carry with us

• Childhood emotional neglect- When you didn’t feel cared for
• Abandonment/betrayal- sometimes in adoption
• Domestic Abuse- abuse in the home, directly or indirectly
• Chronic stress- an overwhelming feeling of stress over a period of time, weeks, months, etc
• Generational trauma- passed down in the family.

Trauma lives in the body and nervous system, not just in the mind.  You can get over trauma mentally, but your body reacts to the trigger just like it happened over and over again.

So why does trauma repeat in relationships?

1. Your nervous system seeks familiarity even when it hurts

We subconsciously choose partners who:

• Feel emotionally familiar
• Activate your old wounds
• Mirror childhood dynamics

• Trauma creates survival patterns

Four trauma responses

• Fight/anger
• Flight/ avoidance
• Freeze/shutdown
• Fawn/people pleasing

• Unhealed trauma creates
• Emotional triggers- all of a sudden, you are living that trauma all over again.
• Attachment wounds- attach to people too quickly and strongly, or fear of intimacy
• Hyper-independence- involves a rigid belief that one must manage all aspects of life alone, avoiding vulnerability and refusing help even when it is reasonable or necessary. The problem is, your wounds are running the relationship.

       How does trauma show up in relationships?

• Triggered reactions
• One partner chases /the other one withdraws
• Arguments get explosive over small things
• Emotional shutdowns/ when a partner feels unseen or unsafe emotionally
• Staying in unhealthy relationships
• Difficulty trusting
• Fear of intimacy
• Conflict cycles

Trigger-Reaction-Disconnection and repair never happen